Why I Don't Have a Problem With Yaoi
Far too many times have I seen a post on social media complaining about women who read yaoi to an obsessive degree. They shout that they are "fetishizing gay men!" and that I, as a gay man, should be worried about the fetishization happening to my own community as a result of these women finding joy in our relationships. However, I just can't find myself in agreement with this. I don't think that MLM fetishization is a wide-scale issue affecting the queer community, much less one perpetuated by women who find themselves in stories about queer love.
In order to understand why I don't really view MLM "fetishization" as a problem, we first need to look at other forms of fetishization: fetishization of lesbians, non-white people, and transgender people all are forms of fetishization that end in violence against the targeted groups. These all have one thing in common: the primary perpetrators are either men, white, or cisgender. These groups are empowered through our society to incite violence upon the oppressed and fetishized groups. Men feel an entitlement to lesbian relationships as they do with all women who don't fit into the standard patriarchal ideal, as something to be fixed and a prize to be won as opposed to their own humans with emotions who might be capable of loving someone other than a man. The fetishizer becomes enraged at the idea of not being able to take the woman for his own, which results in violence. The same pattern repeats in the groups mentioned before.
However, gay male "fetishization" by fujoshis differs in that this never turns into violence. Women who read yaoi/BL rarely fall into the same patterns of entitlement and violence, because all too often are women subject to the same harmful structures. This not only creates an appreciation for the characters found in BL fiction which doesn't center one's own sexual gratification, but also explains why women seek out this content in the first place.
The romance genre is rife with depictions of male/female relationships which are laced with misogyny, even when aimed toward women. As a result, many women attracted to men can find comfort in yaoi/BL for not falling into the same trappings that would otherwise come about from the same romance books. Of course, yaoi shouldn't be the only avenue that women have to escape misogynistic publishing practices, but it's a simple fix to a complex issue. As well as this, we don't see straight women fetishizing gay men in the same way that straight men fetishize lesbian women. There are simply no cases of women victimizing gay men and gay couples on the same scale of men doing the same to lesbians.
While this may not fully illustrate every BL reader, it paints a colorful enough picture of the community to be able to contrast it with the audience surrounding GL/yuri. As discussed earlier, lesbian fetishization often centers itself around the male's sexual fantasy instead of the agency of the characters. This is true to straight male enjoyers of yuri as well. While yuri is meant to center the love between two women for a female audience, straight men take this love and warp it to fit their own sexual fantasies. Discussion from men who read yuri from this perspective like to insert themselves into the relationship of the lesbian couples depicted in yuri, mirroring the disturbing patterns of violence found in real life cases of lesbian fetishization.
Something that isn't entirely related but still worth mentioning: it's also true that queer people like to read about other queer people, and sometimes this means reading yaoi and BL. Many gay/bi trans men came to the realization of such through BL and connecting with the characters, and the same phenomenon has also helped other people in other sects of the LGBT+ community become more in touch with and destigmatize their identities.
At the end of the day, fetishization of gay men is a significantly less important issue compared to fetishization of lesbian women. As a gay man, the "fetishization" I've faced (often just simple top/bottom jokes) has pailed in comparison to the horror stories that I've heard from lesbian, non-white, and transgender friends. Focusing your energy on calling out yaoi and yaoi enjoyers is a worthless expedition wasting valuable time on dealing with real issues in our community.